A Real Man's Guide To The Pagan Ritual of Valentine's Day

Oh hie ye away my married man thou dreaded day hath come

St. Valentine hath cursed thy soul, hath made thee deaf and dumb

Hath caused thee to pull out thy hair, hath made thee to go blind

St. Valentine hath cursed thy soul, till thee hath lost thy mind


Anonymous author

Suspected old married man



Ain’t it the truth, men! What? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Why you spineless excuses for members of the stronger sex! You guys used to be the masters of your domain, kings of the castle, lords of the realm and……well, you guys know what I’m getting at. And now, here you are wondering what is the right thing to do for your wife, fiance’, or girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. Flowers? Candy? Dinner? All of them? It never fails, something always happens which makes you look uncaring on this dreaded day.

You try real hard too! Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, a new twist on the old ritual is exhibited. Long ago it was simply a matter of giving your beloved a few flowers, a box of chocolates, and a card--and not the humorous sort of course--which is embellished with your undying love and devotion. Now things have changed a bit. But more about this later on.

Back in my old hippie days the term “Flower Power” had a whole different meaning. An inspiring hope for peace among all nations and an end to nonsensical political wars.

Ah, the memories of colorfully clad, shapely young women wearing hip-hugging, bellbottomed jeans, gazing at the world through John Lennonish rose colored glasses while holding a single rose or daisy to their nostrils.

Can a word paint a thousand pictures? I’m not sure, but I believe a few of them strung together can.But apparently, all that has changed, especially when it comes to Valentines Day flowers. Where do I begin?

The flower thing was originally a good idea back in the day. A dozen roses used to be a relatively easy and rather inexpensive token of one’s feeling for the lady friend.

There were many different florists then and no giant superstore florists to navigate or deal with and it was a much more pleasant task than today.

Sure the order over the phone thing is still in vogue, but then it becomes a matter of finance which also seems to detract from the act of openly exhibiting the required and heartfelt devotion needed to succeed in your quest.

But this isn’t all you have to worry about. In my personal opinion--and my experience has been gathered at my own peril over the past decades--I believe the fairer of the sexes change the rules every year just to make us work harder at expressing our adoration for them. Not saying it’s a fact…just saying!

One year the popular thing could be a bunch of roses and the next it may simply be a single perfect specimen of the treasured bloom, intending to exemplify undying and perfect love by a single male soul hoping to please the most wonderful woman in the universe. Or something equally romantic and mushy.....er...heartfelt!

You see, it’s very complicated when beer, sports, and food hasn’t entered the picture yet and after all, this is supposed to be an article for men. Just be patient, there’s food and drink at the inevitable Valentines Day Dinner For Two we’ll discuss later on, but probably still no beer. So finding out what this year’s flower fad is ahead of time is the name of this game.

Google it, query the florists, ask a married sister, just find out somehow. I cannot stress this enough. I never said this was going to be easy, did I? If your heart’s desire works in an office-- or at some other occupation which requires her to be around other female co-workers--be sure you have the flowers delivered when the other ladies are likely to be there, otherwise the whole effort is wasted. This is serious stuff guys, don’t mess it up!

Good flowers=9 twelve packs beer

This is another touchy subject and it tends to differ from female to female. Unfortunately for you guys, you have to make a few decisions by yourself on this one. I never promised to make all of the calls for you. Sorry, there are some things my previous experience haven’t taught me. Is your sweetie a bit heavy? Is she on a diet? These things need to be given some thought as often insult can be taken from the most innocent and well-meaning of male gestures this time of year.

But if you do opt for the candy there are a few tips which could be helpful in getting this gesture right. Buy the good stuff! No chocolate covered cherries, no creamy filled chocolates with anonymous sugary goo which will eventually be thrown out anyway. Go for the expensive candies in the garishly foiled and calligraphically engraved box. Yep, Valentine’s day can be expensive.

Good candy=1 round golf

A Valentine’s Day card is perhaps the most important written communication a man will give to his lover all year long. Nothing humorous will do for this particular aspect of the Valentine’s Day ritual.

Complete submission and heartfelt adoration is the rule of the day. Anything less and you’ve wasted a very good chance at being allowed to do a few things for yourself. Remember this, men do not get a Valentines Day.

Sure, the ladies will eventually endeavor to make a small gesture of recompense, but we all know that’s all it is. Blatant, out in the open, nonsense. Thanks for the scented cinnamon candle, baby!

I did try and be innovative one year and bought 2 cards for my sweetie. One was a rather funny card and was intended as a joke, followed by the second much more appropriate (from the ladies point of view) card to charm my distraught spouse.

Unfortunately for me, I left both cards in the same bag inside my truck before signing them and where my wife naturally discovered them purely by accident. She wasn’t snooping though, uh uh!

But of course, being a one-time fraud investigator, she figured the whole thing out very quickly. She surmised the funny card was for her and the truly, deeply, madly one was for my concubine. Not true of course, but she's the expert. Let this be a lesson men. Don’t try to get cute! This is one day of the year females do not want “cute”.

Valentine’s Day Card=10 pickled eggs

Okay men we’re finally here. There’s food in this one and perhaps alcohol too. Once again, it’s probably neither the particular type of food and drink you would’ve chosen nor the establishment you would have selected to partake of the said nourishment. It isn't going to be a Denny's or a home style buffet either.

Just bite the bullet and say it's her night and it's only right she choose the spot. I know, it hurts really bad, but it is indeed true that love hurts. If I'm not mistaken I believe someone wrote a song by that name based on St.Valentines Day. Yes it is tough, but at least you don’t have to make many more important decisions. That is, unless you are trying to decide how you’re going to pay for the meal itself. However,there are a couple of things you may want to consider.

Unless you are one of those rare, and extremely fortunate, I might add, males who have enticed a lover who also enjoys a good beer, and the fine establishments serving such divine beverages, you may as well order wine before, during, and after the meal. Of course you’ll want to plan ahead an have at least a 6 pack of beer at home to get the taste out of your mouth, but act like you really love the stuff for once. Chicks dig a cultured man even if she knows he's faking it for her benefit on Valentines Day.

I hope you have enough money left for this particular aspect of the evening, because if you have followed my advice you will certainly deserve a reward for having pulled off one of the most daunting challenges of any man vs. woman confrontation known to….well….man! (any introduction of Valentine’s Day balloons, or any other such frills may be a local fad or innovation . Can’t help you there!) Congratulations! I’m proud of you guys again!

Valentine's Day Dinner=weekend fishing trip